Paper Thought June 6, 2011

I always let it happen but I guess I have myself to blame this time. My "Best Friend" started dating this guy I like but it is okay he is just a guy if it was meant to be it would have happened. I dropped it but now I know who I can not trust. It doesn't make sense to me. How I can be such a good friend. She told me not to go near certain guys and not to talk to certain guys because she still loved them, and I respected that. So why do bad things always have to happen to me. I am such a good friend and this is how I am repaid...? I have given up on giving me trust to people because most people are the same. They have mouths that are weapons, they will use them given the power to. From now on I will just keep my secrets buried deep within myself. No one can be trusted no matter how much you think they can. I have finally learned this lesson. I always wanted to think that the saying eat or be eaten wasn't true but it is. Either you fight for yourself or someone will step right over you and take what you want. It is a play or be played type of world. It is really sad that it has to be that way.
I feel like I can not even trust my family now. Isn't that suppose to be the only people you can trust? The ones who will always be there? .... Life is never as it seems. You have to second guess everything and remember there are no promises in life.

Thoughts 2-1-10

It is time that I put myself first instead of my friends. I mean of course I will put my family first still but I need to focus on me. I always decide not to move even though we simply cant stay where we are now and you know why? Because I am selfish that's all there is to it. My mom hates being here and we are suffering from being here. I want to stay in this place because my so called friends are here. I dont know why I along with my brother and sister decide to stay. These people that are here are not even my real friends. I can not trust any of them and there's no way i could tell them one fourth of the things i post on here. Maybe i am scared to move into the unknown. I always think that if we do move it could be worse than it is here. I would not no anyone therefore i definitely could not trust anyone there because it would take so much time to truly get to know them. Gosh i just hate my life but at the same time i thank god for having it. As soon as i get rid of all these fake friends and lies life should be better but for now I'm stuck. I look at things differently than everyone else at my school so i feel so alone in my thoughts. I hate telling people the things that run through my brain because usually they dont really care they act like they do and i can tell by looking them in the eyes as i tell them. Everyone needs someone to listen to them and understand...to bad i dont have that. It seems that my generation is dehumanized. You try to talk about some real things and the only thing they can think about is Lil Wayne or Jersey Shore. I try to show emotion and that makes me weird. I love to talk about war and other deep thoughts but people can not seem to listen for more than a few minutes because they have short attention spans or they would rather be watching television instead of having an intellectual conversation with another human being.

Poem: Compassion

Every creature breathes this air
we live under one atmosphere
so why kill one another
the thought makes me shutter
imagine if you're in the outcasts shoes
no friends and nothing to lose
because of you they pick up a knife
think about your words before you end a life
cause these people have family too
life and a future just like you do
one thing missing is an understanding ear
so reach out and say ill dry your tear
with my compassion no more nightmares
yes compassion, a friend who cares.

Poem: Breaking Day

If i tumble over and cry
will you think less of me
no matter how forcibly i try 
I know these tears will soon be free

I just can't be whats expected
to be made of concrete
pains spreading my hearts infected
now im draggin my two feet

For you i have walked through
this desert for awhile
I'm to broken so ism through
Wish i could give you the Nile

So please dont think less of me
if i have to some day say
i here by decree
this my breaking day

Poems: Grandpas Eyes

What lies behind Grandpa's eyes?
a love from above you can't deny
a rope of hope that never goes away
kindness that stays with each day

What lies behind Grandpas voice?
a tone that's flown with calmness of choice
a melody spoken so sweet its reassuring
yet so mysterious it keeps you mind turning

What lies inside grandpas mighty heart?
Its so big i don't know where to start
he has a compassion intensely deep
he has his own but will take your heart to keep

I know he took mine to heaven with him
and my love for him will never grow dim
In memory of my Grandpa

Grandpa Part 2

Yeah.....I think about him a lot still. Sometimes i think it may bring me down but then i think hes in a better place. Its true, I miss him oh so very much but crying wont bring him back and im sure he feels helpless if es watching me cry right now. I am grateful that i did get to meet such a kind hearted man. Its sad it took me so long to appreciate that. Not a day passes that i don't think about my Grandpa. Hes my inspiration to be a better person on the inside. He taught me so much about forgiving and kindness. How words can affect someones day  or how they treat someone else later on. Hes so amazing. Gods very lucky to have such an angel.
I have a feeling that my depression is mostly gone. At least for now it is. So i may as well enjoy this time. But for awhile there i doubted God. I doubted his or hers existence in my morbid life. Now i feel closer to him i just hope i am not just feeling things. Lets this be real..... let my stress go away and just enjoy life.  

Grandpa part 1

Today my Grandpa passed away. A lot of people don't know that I sit here and write down all my thoughts but it helps me vent. Its like talking to someone, telling them my deepest secrets and knowing the wont tell anyone, because they cant. But anyways i almost cant believe hes gone. I should have went and seen him while i had the chance. I should have went and told him i loved him and gave him the most heart filled hug but i didnt. Instead i sat at home playing video games. Today's been such a horrible day but i still decided to go to school. I cant concentrate today but at least its something to get my mind off of it. Being around friends is better than soaking in the stress that drains out from my family.
Depressions such a weird thing. One moment your so great that your flying with the birds then the next moment your so low you might as well be nine feet under. Right now as i write this paper thought i am crying in my third period. It is so hard to believe hes already gone! He was the nicest person i ever knew!  The memories that are good always seem to hurt me worse than the bad ones. But those moments were so great that its worth the after pain. R.I.P Grandpa. 9-10-10