I hate when I can see the pain in someone's eyes. It makes it feel like you are right with them in the pain. You fake a smile to make them feel alright when really you're not sure you are really alright. Would someone who never cares what anyone thinks always be calm? Sometimes I can not help but just WONDER what people think about me. What kind of image do I give off to others? I only really care what I think about myself as a person but I am curious as to what people think about me. It is funny that they can say things about me as if they know me but no one will ever fully know me, except for myself. No one could ever have me all figured out because they are not in my shoes and do not see through my eyes. Even if they think they have me all figured out that is just their own ignorance to assume that. I have this whole other side of me that no will discover. It's the side of me that comes out when I write or in my mind. Never is it left open so that others can use it to their advantage. It stays in secrecy because it is safer that way. Maybe if someone could actually gain my trust then take the time to get to know the whole me they would then know exactly who I am but I doubt that will ever happen because people are not interested in discovering the lives and views of other people.. no no no they are more interested in making money, sex, drugs, material objects, or television shows.
I still feel like I am not being all that I know I can be because I am a slacker. The thing is I do not really want to try just yet because I am worried about other things like writing and blogging. I can't completely change my life all of a sudden, it takes time. I have seen some big changes this year and I should be pretty proud of myself but I am still not content because I know I can be doing better. They were fairly easy changes though, like going to school more often, getting straight "A"s, and stopping almost all the drugs. But I am still behind compared to where I should be in life at this age. I should have a job by now, have my permit, have a car, have more advanced classes, have a better GPA, and I should be looking for ways to get into colleges. If I would not screwed up my first two years of high school things would be so much easier for me right now. Too bad I did not know this sooner. I can not go back to my freshmen year and fix it so now all I can do is try very hard to repair it. I feel like life is a game of cards, the hand you play determines everything. Maybe I should treat it like chess and think about every move carefully and clever. Think one step ahead before I make my move. I wish I had an answer for everything but I do not. I only know the answers to the things I have been through so they will increase through every problem or situation, only good thing that comes from bad is a lesson.
No comments:
Post a Comment