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Paper Thoughts 11/18/11

When everything is broken and you have nothing left it's hard to say "just repair it all." It's just so much easier to buy all new stuff so you can just start over again right? But what if you do not have the resources to just buy everything back? Would you be forced to repair it or leave it all damaged and work with what you have because it is unable to be repaired? For me, I am just going to walk away from all the broken things in my life and create things that are unbreakable. Love is breakable, hope is breakable, trust is breakable, feelings are breakable, almost everything in life is breakable, but if I made myself unbreakable then only relied on myself I would not need all of those terribly breakable things like love, trust, friends. So I need to remove all of those thing in my life because they are already broken. There's hardly such a thing as love anyways. I'm definitely not one of the fortunate ones who will find it. Will ruined the words " I love you" for me and too many friends have back stabbed me. That was the first time and the last time I will ever say those words. When I asked him if I could simply talk to him he said no, so I am guessing he is not too worried about getting back together. Why did I even bother trying? What was I thinking? That he would suddenly become nice or want to take me back? It's funny how all I can remember is the good times we had. I wish I could remember the reasons for the bad times so that I could feel hate for him in the end. I would go back out with him if he wanted to.. if it's not him then really it is no one for a very long time. I will become one of those girls that you hear about that never even tries to date anyone and never worries about guys or sex because I am too busy worrying about my education and self improvement. I do not want to have sex with another guy to be honest. It just does not seem appealing to me at the moment. But I do still love him because I do not give up that easily on love, but what do I do? Tell him? I already tried doing that. So I guess there is not much left I can do but start a new life. Am I really giving up that easily though? I always say I hate when people just throw away love without a fight. So I am not sure yet if I can give up. When I think about never kissing him again, never hugging him again, never seeing his family  again, never being "his" again, it makes my heart tremble. I think I have to try at least a few more times to talk to him and let him know what I am thinking. I will never know what could have been if I do not try. I don't care if it is something breakable that is what makes being with him so beautiful. It being breakable makes it of interest. If everything was unbreakable and dependable life would be pretty boring, but at least you would be safe and undamaged right? Every little step you took would not be so terrifying because you know it can not break. But when you finally get to the end of your journey and get what you want, will you be happy knowing it was so easy to get? No the victory would not be as sweet because then any one can just have it also. It makes you feel accomplished to know you made it somewhere even with the difficulties. Now I get it!! Without struggle there would be no gain! That explains why I feel like I HAVE to try to get Will back. He's the only breakable thing that is worth getting hurt from, because if in the end he is still mine I win and the scars from being hurt will become my battle scars. The victory would not be a victory at all if I could just have him whenever I wanted. 
So my final decision is that I will try a little harder. If he loved me at one point I can make him love me again right? of course we would have to work on some things but I am willing if he is.I'm just not sure if he has already moved on and forgotten about me. What if he is happier without me? Maybe he even likes someone else, I kind of thought it seemed like he liked Nicole when we were dating. Ouch another heart pain. He probably does not even care that we broke up. Wow sometimes I cheer myself up then other times I depress myself. I hate the night time because then when I am laying down I have nothing to distract my mind.  All I end up thinking about is him so then I stay up instead of sleeping. 

Don't remind me (poem)

Some times I can't stop to think
for fear of missing anything within a blink
I just jump to action
out of whim hoping to win
because when I journey into thoughts
my heart remembers and painfully rots
it resurrects deep hidden pain
so I avoid thinking just to keep sain

Paper Thoughts 10/19/11

I hate when I can see the pain in someone's eyes. It makes it feel like you are right with them in the pain. You fake a smile to make them feel alright when really you're not sure you are really alright. Would someone who never cares what anyone thinks always be calm? Sometimes I can not help but just WONDER what people think about me. What kind of image do I give off to others? I only really care what I think about myself as a person but I am curious as to what people think about me. It is funny that they can say things about me as if they know me but no one will ever fully know me, except for myself. No one could ever have me all figured out because they are not in my shoes and do not see through my eyes. Even if they think they have me all figured out that is just their own ignorance to assume that. I have this whole other side of me that no will discover. It's the side of me that comes out when I write or in my mind. Never is it left open so that others can use it to their advantage.  It stays in secrecy because it is safer that way. Maybe if someone could actually gain my trust then take the time to get to know the whole me they would then know exactly who I am but I doubt that will ever happen because people are not interested in discovering the lives and views of other people.. no no no they are more interested in making money, sex, drugs, material objects, or television shows. 
I still feel like I am not being all that I know I can be because I am a slacker. The thing is I do not really want to try just yet because I  am worried about other things like writing and blogging. I can't completely change my life all of a sudden, it takes time. I have seen some big changes this year and I should be pretty proud of myself but I am still not content because I know I can be doing better. They were fairly easy changes though, like going to school more often, getting straight "A"s, and stopping almost all the drugs. But I am still behind compared to where I should be in life at this age. I should have a job by now, have my permit, have a car, have more advanced classes, have a better GPA, and I should be looking for ways to get into colleges. If I would not screwed up my first two years of high school things would be so much easier for me right now. Too bad I did not know this sooner. I can not go back to my freshmen year and fix it so now all I can do is try very hard to repair it. I feel like life is a game of cards, the hand you play determines everything. Maybe I should treat it like chess and think about every move carefully and clever. Think one step ahead before I make my move. I wish I had an answer for everything but I do not. I only know the answers to the things I have been through so they will increase through every problem or situation, only good thing that comes from bad is a lesson. 

Paper Thought June 6, 2011

I always let it happen but I guess I have myself to blame this time. My "Best Friend" started dating this guy I like but it is okay he is just a guy if it was meant to be it would have happened. I dropped it but now I know who I can not trust. It doesn't make sense to me. How I can be such a good friend. She told me not to go near certain guys and not to talk to certain guys because she still loved them, and I respected that. So why do bad things always have to happen to me. I am such a good friend and this is how I am repaid...? I have given up on giving me trust to people because most people are the same. They have mouths that are weapons, they will use them given the power to. From now on I will just keep my secrets buried deep within myself. No one can be trusted no matter how much you think they can. I have finally learned this lesson. I always wanted to think that the saying eat or be eaten wasn't true but it is. Either you fight for yourself or someone will step right over you and take what you want. It is a play or be played type of world. It is really sad that it has to be that way.
I feel like I can not even trust my family now. Isn't that suppose to be the only people you can trust? The ones who will always be there? .... Life is never as it seems. You have to second guess everything and remember there are no promises in life.

Thoughts 2-1-10

It is time that I put myself first instead of my friends. I mean of course I will put my family first still but I need to focus on me. I always decide not to move even though we simply cant stay where we are now and you know why? Because I am selfish that's all there is to it. My mom hates being here and we are suffering from being here. I want to stay in this place because my so called friends are here. I dont know why I along with my brother and sister decide to stay. These people that are here are not even my real friends. I can not trust any of them and there's no way i could tell them one fourth of the things i post on here. Maybe i am scared to move into the unknown. I always think that if we do move it could be worse than it is here. I would not no anyone therefore i definitely could not trust anyone there because it would take so much time to truly get to know them. Gosh i just hate my life but at the same time i thank god for having it. As soon as i get rid of all these fake friends and lies life should be better but for now I'm stuck. I look at things differently than everyone else at my school so i feel so alone in my thoughts. I hate telling people the things that run through my brain because usually they dont really care they act like they do and i can tell by looking them in the eyes as i tell them. Everyone needs someone to listen to them and understand...to bad i dont have that. It seems that my generation is dehumanized. You try to talk about some real things and the only thing they can think about is Lil Wayne or Jersey Shore. I try to show emotion and that makes me weird. I love to talk about war and other deep thoughts but people can not seem to listen for more than a few minutes because they have short attention spans or they would rather be watching television instead of having an intellectual conversation with another human being.

Poem: Compassion

Every creature breathes this air
we live under one atmosphere
so why kill one another
the thought makes me shutter
imagine if you're in the outcasts shoes
no friends and nothing to lose
because of you they pick up a knife
think about your words before you end a life
cause these people have family too
life and a future just like you do
one thing missing is an understanding ear
so reach out and say ill dry your tear
with my compassion no more nightmares
yes compassion, a friend who cares.

Poem: Breaking Day

If i tumble over and cry
will you think less of me
no matter how forcibly i try 
I know these tears will soon be free

I just can't be whats expected
to be made of concrete
pains spreading my hearts infected
now im draggin my two feet

For you i have walked through
this desert for awhile
I'm to broken so ism through
Wish i could give you the Nile

So please dont think less of me
if i have to some day say
i here by decree
this my breaking day

Poems: Grandpas Eyes

What lies behind Grandpa's eyes?
a love from above you can't deny
a rope of hope that never goes away
kindness that stays with each day

What lies behind Grandpas voice?
a tone that's flown with calmness of choice
a melody spoken so sweet its reassuring
yet so mysterious it keeps you mind turning

What lies inside grandpas mighty heart?
Its so big i don't know where to start
he has a compassion intensely deep
he has his own but will take your heart to keep

I know he took mine to heaven with him
and my love for him will never grow dim
In memory of my Grandpa

Grandpa Part 2

Yeah.....I think about him a lot still. Sometimes i think it may bring me down but then i think hes in a better place. Its true, I miss him oh so very much but crying wont bring him back and im sure he feels helpless if es watching me cry right now. I am grateful that i did get to meet such a kind hearted man. Its sad it took me so long to appreciate that. Not a day passes that i don't think about my Grandpa. Hes my inspiration to be a better person on the inside. He taught me so much about forgiving and kindness. How words can affect someones day  or how they treat someone else later on. Hes so amazing. Gods very lucky to have such an angel.
I have a feeling that my depression is mostly gone. At least for now it is. So i may as well enjoy this time. But for awhile there i doubted God. I doubted his or hers existence in my morbid life. Now i feel closer to him i just hope i am not just feeling things. Lets this be real..... let my stress go away and just enjoy life.  

Grandpa part 1

Today my Grandpa passed away. A lot of people don't know that I sit here and write down all my thoughts but it helps me vent. Its like talking to someone, telling them my deepest secrets and knowing the wont tell anyone, because they cant. But anyways i almost cant believe hes gone. I should have went and seen him while i had the chance. I should have went and told him i loved him and gave him the most heart filled hug but i didnt. Instead i sat at home playing video games. Today's been such a horrible day but i still decided to go to school. I cant concentrate today but at least its something to get my mind off of it. Being around friends is better than soaking in the stress that drains out from my family.
Depressions such a weird thing. One moment your so great that your flying with the birds then the next moment your so low you might as well be nine feet under. Right now as i write this paper thought i am crying in my third period. It is so hard to believe hes already gone! He was the nicest person i ever knew!  The memories that are good always seem to hurt me worse than the bad ones. But those moments were so great that its worth the after pain. R.I.P Grandpa. 9-10-10

my paper thoughts. 9-5-10

I feel as if i am distancing myself away from my friends. Now i am more interested in all the knowledge that's available than social standards and expectations from peers. But being interested in these things makes me feel excluded from some kind of important circle. Not only am i alone outside this circle but no one cares that I am. Teenagers nowadays are so dehumanized, like robots. They say "aww im so sorry your grandpa died" but do they truly care? or are these just false words?
Quietness doesn't mean shyness or sadness (well in my case the second one it does). My depression is crazy! One second i am happy,self-confident then the next i feel hopeless. Whats the point in trying to be successful or popular if after you die no one will remember you because sooner or later they will be gone too. All we have after this is our soul and hopefully memories. Its our choice to make those memories good or bad. But how can i bring meaning to life when i can barely wrap my mind around life? One question that keeps haunting my mind is "what is important to me?" Honestly i don't know. I'm a teenager that's not afraid to say im lost and confused. Depression stole everything i once strive for.

emotionally scarred veterans speech will bring you to tears.

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